


Don’t Blame Me, Love Made Me Crazy

by xanderbot13



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 08:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12980577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanderbot13/pseuds/xanderbot13
Summary: Grell’s P.O.V.“I used to be his favorite toy, but now he made me feel like a queen, and let me play with him and make my own rules. It was fun, joyful, beautiful, I have never felt happier in my whole existence.It wasn’t right. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than me. A monster. I needed to save him.“





	Don’t Blame Me, Love Made Me Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> This is fucking cursed. It was supposed to be a cute, fluffy, little fic, but it got out of hand. I apologize. This was inspired by the song “Don’t Blame Me,” by Taylor Swift.

_Don’t blame me_

_love made me crazy_

_if it doesn’t, you ain’t it right~_

 

I have only ever truly loved one single person in my whole existence. In two entire lives. Just one. Just him. And he was my undoing and my reason to live.

He owns my heart. I have loved him for a full century, and I have declared my love for him a million times. I had been grasping at straws to get his attention, but he was stone-cold, which only made me pine for him more. One day though, his ice started to melt somehow. I don’t know if it was something I did or something I said, all I know is that, right when I was about to give up, his harsh blows and kicks gradually stopped, and I found myself being lured in once again by curiosity. He changed. For me. And for me only. As time went on, we started talking more often, having real conversations, and going out for dinner occasionally. It wasn’t exactly what I had imagined my perfect romance was going to be like, but I couldn’t complain, it was only the beginning, and I finally had him for myself. Now it was him making moves, it was him calling my phone to ask me out for a cup of tea, it was him who brought me the occasional little presents, and I was beyond delighted. But more than that, I was intrigued. He never told me what it was that made him change his mind about me. However, love is such a curious thing, one moment it appears and is here to stay forever, and the other it vanishes in plain sight. One moment, you are longing for it’s warm embrace, wondering what it must be like to have it in your arms, the next, you are pushing it away. I suppose it was just fate. I have always loved him, and he has always despised me, but when he finally confessed to me that he felt the same way, my whole world shattered and bloomed at the same time. That’s when I knew for sure that our love was real.

Today was our fifth anniversary together. We went out for a romantic dinner at our favorite restaurant. My hands shook slightly with excitement as he opened the door for me when we entered the place. He pulled my chair out and helped me in, then ordered the best champagne for us. He kissed my hand across the table and complemented my evening dress and my hair...he even smiled more than once, and every time he did, I died a little inside. He was so gorgeous it hurt to even look him in the eye. Our whole night was marvelous. We talked about everything, about us, about our future...though I made a few impossible suggestions, it was fun to dream. It didn’t matter if my silly fairytale dreams never came true. The only thing that really mattered at that very moment was that William was all mine, and mine only. I had my love all to myself, which is all I have ever wanted. Yes, this was all that mattered right now...

We were now back home in our shared apartment. A record was spinning in our candlelit room. The scent of candles and lovemaking was thick in the air. The sounds of our love muffled the soft melody playing in the background. His hands were in my hair and roaming all around my body, touching places of my soul that only he knew existed. He was worshiping me, and I was thirsty to feel more of him.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear and caressed my face. His voice was so gentle and honest. I died a little inside and promised to myself I would continue to hold on to those words forever.

“You are everything to me,” I said between moans and kisses. We couldn’t have been closer than we were now, but we couldn’t be further apart. I yearned for him like a withering rose yearns for a storm.

The storm was coming. I could hear the thunder in my chest. It was deafening.

I held on tight to him as a tidal wave of intense pleasure hit me and washed over my entire body, spreading from my most intimate areas down to the last nerves at my fingertips. I cried out his name as a few tears escaped from my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. He kept pounding into me until he reached his own climax and released inside me, calling my name as he rode out his pleasure.

We lay there in each others arms for a while longer, catching our breath. He kissed my forehead softly and held me as if I were the most precious thing. As if I was worth so much more. As if I had the right to be living this dream. I sighed, wrapping my arms a bit tighter around him and nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck. His scent was intoxicating. The feel of his skin against mine was warm and comforting. For a moment I thought I wouldn't have the courage to let him go. But then I remembered his words. The truest, most sincere words I have ever heard.

“I love you,” I said as I lifted my head up and looked at his face. The truest, most sincere words I have ever spoken. He smiled softly at me, but before he could reply, I put my index finger to his lips. “And...because I love you...I can’t do this to you anymore...” I muttered, tears threatening to spill at the edge of my eyes.

“Grell, what’s wrong? What do you mean by that?” He asked, sitting up and cupping my cheek in his hand. His brows knit together in concern.

I broke eye contact and looked away. “Can’t you see, Will? I can’t keep keeping you all for myself like this. I have always loved you, darling, but I never deserved you...”

“Nonsense,” he shook his head, fear crossing his expression for a split second. “We all make our own mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t redeem yourself. And, in any case, I am the one who should be saying that. You suffered in silence for so long, and so much of it was my fault. I’m the one who didn’t deserve you, Grell. But...I learned to deserve you. And to love you as you should be loved,” he said, gently running his hand through my hair. It was soothing. Too soothing. It hurt.

“For you, I would have suffered forever,” I whispered.

He grimaced in disapproval. “Come here,” he muttered, pulling me back down into his arms.

Feeling disarmed, I laid my head back on his chest and let him keep playing with my hair. I wanted to say so many things before he fell asleep, but I knew he would never understand. I wanted to tell him just how much I loved him, how much he meant to me. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to save him, that I don’t deserve him. That I wasn’t worthy of him. Not anymore. Not since he had changed. Not since he took my feelings into account, since he started listening to what I had to say, since he opened doors for me and called me beautiful, since he dried my tears and held me close, since he respected me as a person. It felt wonderful, it felt beautiful, it felt nice, but it felt so, so wrong.

I was never a person. Not really.

People are like...bugs. Cute little bugs who live their whole lives thinking they’re accomplishing something important, when in the end, it’s all the same. Not just humans, but reapers as well. Nothing in their lives really matters. Very few really make an impact. But for the most part, they’re all like bugs. However, they have something I don’t. They feel. They have close bonds. They can be downright terrible like me, but they also share, they care for one another, they empathize with each other, they are kind and sincere, sometimes cruel, sometimes unbelievably kind, and so naive. That’s why it’s so easy to take advantage of them. They’re all like little toys. But William and I were different. I was a monster and William was a god. And I think he knew that. He used to, at least. I used to be his favorite toy, but now he made me feel like a queen, and let me play with him and make my own rules. It was fun, joyful, beautiful, I have never felt happier in my whole existence.

It wasn’t right. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than me. A monster. I needed to save him. I have only ever truly loved one single person in my whole existence. In two entire lives. Just one. Just him. There will be better lives. Lives in which we might find what we need. Lives in which I might finally be worthy of him. But this one wasn’t it.

I made sure he was sound asleep before I slipped off of his warm embrace and retrieved one of his replacement pruner blades from where he kept them in a drawer. My hands were cold as ice. They shook violently, but I managed to steady them enough. This was usually so easy. Thrilling even. But not today. Today, it was a nightmare to have to do this. I took a few deep breaths to try and steady my heartbeat and stepped forward. I gently bent down and planted one last kiss on his soft lips. I didn’t hesitate a second longer, or else I might have never gotten this over with. The blade went right through his chest and pierced his heart in one swift movement. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. They just kept flowing. I don’t think I have ever seen so much blood. Perhaps I have, but from this perspective, every single drop was like an ocean. He gasped a few times, but within a couple seconds, he was unconscious. His record started playing, but I didn’t bother looking at it, I knew it by heart. Meanwhile, I pulled the blade out and laid beside him.

“Goodbye, my darling. I’ll see you soon,” I smiled faintly. It was my turn.


End file.
